


Ten O'Clock and Two O'Clock

by RunRabbitRun



Category: Iron Man (Movies), The Avengers (2012), Thor (2011)
Genre: Crack, Gen, Silly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-09
Updated: 2011-12-09
Packaged: 2017-10-27 03:23:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,219
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/291099
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RunRabbitRun/pseuds/RunRabbitRun
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bruce is on a rampage, Tony is buried under two heavy superheroes, and Loki can't drive.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ten O'Clock and Two O'Clock

**Author's Note:**

> For the kinkmeme: "Loki is fighting against the Avengers. He gains the upper hand, is being a cocky asshole about it, and...manages to make Bruce Banner rather angry. Whether due to injuries sustained during the fight, spells cast, machinery engaged, or what--flying/magicking away is out of the question. Loki winds up behind the wheel of a car with Thor, unconscious!Steve Rogers, and an immobile Tony Stark as passengers. Loki has never driven before. It's up in the air whether this is more or less terrifying than the Hulk in pursuit.
> 
> Bonus points for Tony being a snarky backseat driver."

"Keep your goddamned hands on the wheel!"

Loki forced himself to quit clawing at the Inhibitor around his neck and put his goddamned hands on the wheel. And immediately veered into the wrong lane, nearly ramming a truck. Some fifty feet behind them, the Hulk howled and sent a motorbike (discarded, thank God) flying with one huge fist.

"Fuck!" Tony curled up as much as he could, preparing for the crash, but luckily Loki had the mind to swerve back into the right lane just in time. Unfortunately, this only caused the two unconscious men (that is, one unconscious super man and one unconscious GOD) to roll even further into Tony's lap. "Jesus, what the fuck in wrong with you?"

"Wrong with me?!" screeched Loki, whipping around.

"Hands! Wheel!" yelled Tony.

Loki slapped his hands back on the wheel but continued to rant as he drove, 'drove' being the only near appropriate word for he was doing, which was tearing down the highway in a half-smashed Prius (a PRIUS, for fucks sake) at wildly fluctuating speeds, swerving around madly, and scaring the holy hell out of other motorists. "What's wrong with ME, he asks! I'm not one who got their armor sapped of power, rendering him utterly USELESS."

"Useless? Fuck you- merge right, MERGE RIGHT!"

"You heard me, mortal!" hissed Loki, crazily honking the horn (he liked the horn) and barreling into the correct lane. "Without your armor you are little more than a very expensive paperweight OH MY GODS."

Tony swore his life flashed before his eyes as Loki swung the wheel around and just barely dodged an eighteen wheeler hurled at them by the Hulk.

"For your information, Oh God of Prickery," snapped Tony once he'd managed to stop compulsively reciting a botched version of the Lord's Prayer, "My armor is the only thing that's keeping your heavy-as-fuck brother from crushing my spine and I don't care how smart you are, I know for a fact you need me alive and well so I can help you get that collar off, so I'd be a little more respectful of the suit SWEET JESUS."

Loki laughed nervously as he steered the car back into the right lane. "I have this under control, this is simple, you mortals and your primitive technologyyyYYYYYYAAAAHHH!"

"Right! No, left! LEFT, LEFT!"

Loki veered into the sidelane and away from the sedan that had just flown in their direction, smashing nose-first into the pavement not ten feet from the side of the Prius.

"Listen, Stark", Loki said, his voice getting rather high pitched from hysteria "I can stop this vile machine and pull my brother and your Captain off of you so that you can drive. It would take a maximum of five seconds, I swear it."

As if in answer, the Hulk roared and a sizable chunk of pavement at them. Loki managed to speed out of the way, but it was a very close thing.

"If you stop this car for one second-" growled Tony, desperately trying to shove Thor and the Cap off his lap.

"Yes, yes, point taken." Loki snapped and jammed his foot down on the gas pedal. The Prius's tires shrieked and the car shot forward.

"Okay, okay." Tony pulled his Stark Phone out of its protective compartment on his left thigh and pulled up GPS. "Okay, just stay in this lane for another mile and then take the Hougland exit, that should take us to where SHIELD is waiting and they can tranq Banner and-"

"Are you mad? I'm not going anywhere near your pathetic little organization with this inhibitor collar on me. Do you think I'm dim or something? Do you take me for a fool, Stark?"

"Keep your fool eyes on the road!" Tony yelled.

Loki snarled something in language Tony didn't understand but the inflection suggested that the phrase probably had to do with Tony, Tony's Mother, and possibly the horse Tony rode in on.

The Hougland exit was coming up fast. Loki had gotten two lanes away from where Tony needed him to be and showed no signs of merging back into the correct lane. Hell, the Trickster wasn't even slowing down. Tony gave another heroic attempt to extricate himself from under Thor and Steve, but without his armor's power to help, it was useless. The Hulk roared again, closer this time.

Tony thought fast.

"Loki, man, I know where you're coming from," his voiced cracked from stress and Loki snorted. Tony tried again "You don't wanna get arrested, I get that, but if I vouch for you SHIELD might cut you some slack. I mean you did help take down Doom and that Godzilla thing-"

"It's name is Nidhogg and I'm the one who summoned it in the first place, if you recall."

"Yeah, okay, that's true but you did help take it and Doom out, so-"

"I did not dispose of Victor and Nidhogg to help you, you delusional fool, I did it because they had outlasted their usefulness," Loki yanked at the collar again, thankfully with one hand only this time."Goddamn that traitor," he snarled under his breath, "By the time I'm finished with him for this betrayal he will wish I'd killed him today..."

"We could help you do that!" cried Tony in a last desperate bid. They were nearly at the Hougland exit and if they had any hope of subduing Banner they needed to take it. "I mean, maybe not kill him, because apparently that's bad, but we could help you take him down for good."

"I don't NEED your help, Stark."

"C'mon man! We could hold his arms for you while you punch him out! Hell, it might even get you back on your brother's good side! This is a sweet deal I'm offering you here!" Oh God, there was the exit, please God let this work.

Loki was silent for a moment but then turned sharply, throwing Tony into the window, and took off down the Hougland exit with the Hulk still in hot pursuit.

"I understand you are making this oath on behalf of yourself AND your compatriots? My brother included?"

"Yes! Yes, absolutely!"

"You do realize that to an Asgardian an oath is law, don't you?"

"YES! Just for the LOVE OF GOD STAY IN THIS FUCKING LANE."

Loki's razor-sharp grin flashed in the rear view mirror.

"Oh, I will, Stark, no need to worry."

~*SIX MONTHS LATER*~

Tony rummaged around, still half-asleep, in the pantry. He paused. He stalked out of the kitchen and glared down at the other Avengers, all assembled at the breakfast table.

"Which one of you degenerates took the last of my Count Chocula?" he said in a voice that tended to make evil-doers wet themselves.

Loki chewed obnoxiously loudly and grinned.

"I didn't see your name on the box, Stark."

Thor stifled a laugh. Steve visibly braced himself. Tony sucked in a breath and prepared to scream at the newest Avenger but when Bruce caught his eye over the top of his newspaper he let it out in a whoosh and surrendered.

"Why I ever made that deal with you is beyond me."

"You can have some of my Raisin Bran if you like, Tony." piped Steve.

Loki gigged maniacally through a mouthful of Count Chocula.


End file.
